This is a very personal post.
A few days ago, I ended a relationship. I ended one relationship which broke my heart. I did this to start a new relationship; a relationship with myself. Being in a relationship was fun, exciting, fulfilling and happy but I realised that I was using this relationship as a distraction, solely focussing on my partner and thus ignoring myself.
I have always had crippling low self-esteem. Looking in a mirror, I hated myself. I hated my body – my deep set eyes, my scarred stomach, my flabby legs, my short finger nails… every part of my body that I could see got hate for being the way that it was. It didn’t stop there though; every part that I couldn’t see, I also abused. I hated traits of my personality, I hated decisions that I had made in the past, I hated clothes I’d bought, mannerisms I had; HATE HATE HATE. Hating someone or something takes up energy; hating yourself is physically and mentally draining.
Breaking up with my boyfriend hurt him a lot. I didn’t want to hurt him, I just wanted to stop hurting myself. After doing it, both of us felt broken. Sometimes, you need to hit rock bottom so you know that the only way to go is up. That’s not to say that the journey will be a smooth, ascending line… I know that I have a tough road ahead of me and that whilst climbing out of this deep and dark hole there will be set backs, that I will fall, but I am determined to see the light again.
I am so tired of hating myself, of avoiding mirrors, of dismissing compliments. This is not the life that I want to live. I want to learn self-compassion. I want to care about myself in the way that I do others. My overwhelming sense of empathy is both a blessing and a curse. I am so in tune to the feelings of those around me, enabling me to help and understand them. However, this often means that I ignore myself, solely surviving on the happiness of others.
I want to open my heart to love. I want to be happy and healthy so that a happy and healthy relationship can follow. I can’t dedicate myself to someone, become their partner, when I don’t have a sense of self to give them. I am so detached from myself right now that I felt it wasn’t me in that relationship, it was a pretence, a part of me, and I want to be able to give someone all of me.
The past few days have been really hard. I have cried so many tears. I’ve felt so empty. Emptiness can be compared to a blank canvas, just waiting for a multitude of colour to mark it permanently. I am ready now with my blank canvas, ready to add colour. Colours of happiness, strength, courage, self-love and compassion. I am starting a journey, a long journey, but a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step and I have taken that step.
Onwards and upwards.